Angels From Milwaukee
by S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Summary: When Laverne and Shirley are fired from Bardwell's they get a job baby sitting a "Bunch" of Brady's.


Angels From Milwaukee

Angels From Milwaukee

**Written by: [S. Wilhelmina Feenster][1]**

**Once upon a time there were two little girls who were blue collared workers. First at Shotz Brewery, then at Bardwell's Department Store. They were both fired from each job. But Carol Brady took them all away from that. And now they work for her... for the entire weekend. They are the Brady Sitters! ** 

Scene 1   
INT. BARDWELL'S DEPARTMENT STORE ~ DAY/1969 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE GATHERING THEIR THINGS AFTER BEING FIRED. 

Shirley: Laverne, you should've never stepped on Mr. Hildabrand's glasses. 

Laverne: I should've never trusted you with my camera! 

Shirley: I didn't know that red button turned on the flash! 

Laverne: How could you know anything, Shirl! You were too busy making eyes at, Brad, the new box boy! 

Shirley: Never mind all that, Laverne. We have to find new jobs. 

Laverne: Why don't we go to Greenland with Sgt. Plout? 

Shirley: No! 

Laverne: Why not, Shirl? We never go no place. 

Shirley: Because she'll make us live off squirrel meat, Laverne. You know how I feel about the woodland creatures. 

Laverne: We'll go home and check out the want ads. 

Scene 2   
EXT. GROCERY STORE - DAY 

PEOPLE ARE COMING IN AND GOING OUT OF THE STORE. 

INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY 

SHIRLEY CASHED BOTH OF THEIR PAYCHECKS AND BOUGHT FOOD. WHILE IN THE GROCERY STORE, SHIRLEY MEETS TWO BLONDE LADIES. THEY WERE BOTH VERY NICE AND HAD CHILDREN. 

Carol Brady: ...My children can sing too. 

SHIRLEY OVERHEARD THE CONVERSATION AND JOINED IN. 

Shirley: (sweetly) Excuse me. Hi, my name is Shirley Feeney. My boyfriend sings also. 

Carol: Well, I guess we got ourselves a couple of singing birds. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Carol Brady. 

Shirley: Hello. 

Shirley Partridge: And I'm Shirley Partridge. 

Shirley: Wow, I've never met anyone with the same name as me. 

Shirley P: You should see the PTA meetings. 

Carol: Or maybe you should start a club house. 

Shirley: (condescending) Yeah, I'll get right on top of that. 

Carol: We were going to have the Summers girl baby-sit ... 

Shirley P: You mean Buffy? (Carol nods) She's a nice girl. Pitty, though. 

Carol: Isn't it? 

Shirley: If you really need some help, I'll do it. When is it? 

Carol: This weekend, Friday. We'll pay $6 an hour. 

Shirley: We'll do it! 

Carol: We? 

Shirley: Yeah, me and my friend Laverne. 

Carol: Are you sure she won't mind? 

Shirley: She'll love it. 

FLIP TO: 

INT. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY'S APARTMENT ~ NIGHT 

LAVERNE IS PACING BACK AND FORTH. 

Laverne: Absolutely not! 

Shirley: Why not, Laverne?! We need the money! 

Laverne: My Pop's giving me a job, that's why. 

THE PHONE RINGS. LAVERNE ANSWERS AND THEN SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE. 

Laverne: [CONT'D] I'll do it! 

Shirley: What changed you mind? 

Laverne: Pop was going to have me cleaning out the grease. 

Scene 3   
INT. BRADY HOME ~ EVENING 

DOOR BELL RINGS. 

Carol: I'll get it, honey! (shakes her head) I forgot! He's still at work! 

CAROL RUNS UP THE ENTRY STEPS AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. 

Carol: [CONT'D] Shirley, come in. The kids are upstairs doing homework. 

Laverne: Do I have to change diapers? 

Carol: No, the kids are all in school. (pause) The kitchen is through there. Follow me. 

INT. KITCHEN 

Laverne: Wow, it's so big! 

Shirley: Oh, Laverne, look! A full size refrigerator! 

LAVERNE RUNS OVER TO THE OVEN AND OPENS THE DOOR. 

Laverne: (looking at Shirley) You could fit a whole turkey in there. 

Shirley: Oh, Laverne! A blinder! I can make my famous energy drink. (to Carol) Do you have any codliver oil? 

Laverne: Oh, look, a playground. 

Carol: Oh, yes. That's where the kids love to play. 

Shirley: When will we meet the little darlings? 

MIKE COMES IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. 

Mike: Carol, I'm home! 

Carol: Mike's here! Hi, honey! I'm in the kitchen! 

Mike: Carol? I have some great news! (to the girls) Hello. 

Carol: This is Laverne and Shirley. What's the great news honey? 

Mike: We're taking the troops to the Main Sears Warehouse in Chicago! 

Carol: Oh, honey! Sears!! How did you manage it?! 

Mike: A Brady man never reveals his secrets. 

Laverne: (to Shirley, sarcastically) Yeah and I thought a tour of the stock yard was fun. 

SHIRLEY KICKED LAVERNE IN THE LEG. 

Mike: I'll go get our suitcases from upstairs, honey. 

Carol: Come on, girls, I'll show you the rest of the house. 

FADE TO:   
INT. KITCHEN - SATURDAY MORNING 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE IN THE KITCHEN FIXING BREAKFAST. SHIRLEY MAKES HER FAMOUS ENERGY DRINK. LAVERNE GETS GLASSES OUT OF THE CABINET AND THE MILK AND PEPSI FROM THE REFRIGERATOR. 

Laverne: Boy, Shirl, this is the life. We can spend the weekend in a big house with stairs and look after a couple of kids. 

LAVERNE PUTS TWO PIECES OF BREAD IN THE TOASTER. SHIRLEY TAKES A SPOONFUL OF CODLIVER OIL AND STIRS IT GENTLY IN THE BLINDER WITH THE REST OF HER CONCOCTION. 

Laverne: (looking at Shirley) You're not going to make them drink that stuff, are you? 

Shirley: Well, it's a whole lot better that milk and pepsi! 

Laverne: It's good. It takes the "psst" out of the pepsi and the "krrk" out of the milk! 

THEY CONTINUE TO ARGUE. CINDY WALKS IN WITH KIDDY CARRIOL. SHE'S WEARING A LIGHT YELLOW SUNDRESS. SHIRLEY'S IN A HEADLOCK AND LAVERNE SEE'S CINDY THROUGH THE CORNER OF HER EYE. 

Laverne: Well, well, well, it wasn't a mouse after all. 

LAVERNE TAKES SHIRLEY'S HEAD OUT OF THE LOCK. SHIRLEY GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY. 

Shirley: (sweetly) Hello. My name is Shirley Feeney and this is my friend Laverne. We're your sitters for the weekend. 

Cindy: I'm Cindy and this is Kiddy Carriol. 

Shirley: (serious look) Laverne?! 

LAVERNE GOES INTO THE LIVINGROOM AND GRABS BOO BOO KITTY FROM OFF THE COUCH. SHE GOES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND THROWS BOO BOO KITTY TO SHIRLEY. 

Shirley: (sweetly) This is Boo Boo Kitty 

Laverne: Yeah and if you're lucky, kid, maybe she'll invite you to their tea party. 

Laverne: You want a milk and pepsi? 

Cindy: I want orange juice. 

LAVERNE FIXES HER ORANGE JUICE WITH A LITTLE MILK AND PEPSI ON THE SIDE. WHILE IN THE KITCHEN, SHE NOTICES THAT HER TOAST DIDN'T POP UP. IT WASN'T EVEN SMOKEY. LAVERNE LOOKS AT THE PLUG, WHICH IS NOT IN ITS SOCKET. WITHOUT HESITATION, SHE PLUGS IN THE CORD. UNFORTUNATELY, SHIRLEY, WHO WAS STIRRING THE LAST INGREDIENTS TO HER ENERGY DRINK, BECAME COVERED IN GREEN LIQUID. ALL WAS SILENT UNTIL JAN AND PETER WALKED IN. THEY BOTH LOOKED AT SHIRLEY AND BUSTED OUT LAUGHING. TENTION CEASED AND LAVERNE AND CINDY JOINED IN. THUS, THE TOAST WAS READY. 

Scene 4 

INT. FAMILY ROOM ~ DAY 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE WACHING "DAYS OF OUR LIVES." SHIRLEY IS IN TEARS BECAUSE THE DOCTOR HAD TO SAY GOODBYE TO HIS ONE TRUE LOVE WHO IS IN A COMA. GREG AND PETER WALK IN AND CHANGE THE CHANNEL. [COWBOYS AND INDIANS SOUNDS] 

Laverne: Hey, just what do you think you're doing? 

Peter: Watching this great Cowboys and Indians movie. It's about these two cowboys that… 

Laverne: I don't care. Go outside and play. 

Shirley: Excuse, Laverne, boys. (sweetly) Why don't you go play checkers or something. 

Peter: No! We want to watch cowboys and… 

Shirley: GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!!! 

They left. 

Shirley: [CONT'D] (fixing the back of her hair) My, I don't know what came over me. I wanted to hurt those children. 

Laverne: It's all right, Shirl. At least we get to see what happened with the "Horton's." 

LAVERNE TURNS THE CHANNEL AND "DAYS" CREDITS ROLL. SHE TURNS OFF THE T. V. OFF. 

Laverne: Darn kids. 

Shirley: Yeah, well. They're cute. Peter looks a little like Carmine. 

Laverne: Yeah, but we have 36 more hours with those bra… 

Shirley: Children, Laverne! They are only children! 

LATER THAT AFTERNOON 

INT. KITCHEN ~ DAY 

SHIRLEY IS SITTING IN THE KITCHEN WITH LAVERNE. DRINKING TEA AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE. 

Shirley: Do you hear that, Laverne? 

Laverne: What? 

Shirley: Silence. 

Laverne: (smiling) Yeah, it's great, isn't it? 

SUDDENLY FROM THE LIVINGROOM, CAME MARSHA AND GREG, WHO WERE ARGUING. 

Greg: Wait a minute! Let's ask Laverne and Shirley! 

Laverne: Ask us what? 

Marsha: I'll ask them. 

Greg: No, I'll ask them. 

Laverne: Will one of you ask us?! (points to Marsha) You. 

Marsha: Well, you see, we've been saving up food stamps and we only have enough for one thing. The boys want a rowboat and us girls want a sewing machine. What should we do? 

Shirley: I say, get the sewing machine. 

Laverne: Let'em live, Shirl. Get the rowboat. 

Shirley: Girls need sewing skills, Laverne. 

Laverne: You can meet guys in a rowboat, Shirl. 

Shirley: How, Laverne?! 

Laverne: You can save them from drowning. Who knows, he could turn out to be a doctor. (beat) Dr. Dwayne. 

Shirley: Come to think of it, a rowboat would be nice. You could use those those fishing skills and… 

Greg: Thanks a lot, girls! Wait till I tell the others! 

Marsha: Big help you are! 

MARSHA GOES OUT AND SITS ON THE SWING. GREG FOLLOWS. TWO BY TWO, EACH BRADY KID ASKED LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ABOUT THE ROWBOAT AND SEWING MACHINE AND TWO BY TWO, THEY WENT OUTSIDE. 

Laverne: Kids argue about the sillies things, don't they, Shirl? 

Shirley: Yeah. (looks outside) Aw, Laverne. They look so unhappy. 

Laverne: I know what will cheer them up! 

SHE GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. 

Laverne: [CONT'D] Milk and Pepsi. It always cheers me up. 

Shirley: No, Laverne. Remember nine years ago? New Years Eve? You used milk and Pepsi to drown your pain. 

15 MINUTES LATER. 

Shirley: (looking out the patio window) I don't believe it. 

Laverne: What? 

Shirley: They're hopping around in potato sacks. 

Laverne: I guess the milk and Pepsi did the trick. 

Shirley: You know, Laverne, you should bottle that stuff. 

THE PHONE RINGS AND SHIRLEY ANSWERS. 

Shirley: (sweetly) Hello? 

Sam: Hi, baby! Are you ready for tonight? 

Shirley: Who are you?! 

Sam: Sam! 

SHIRLEY COVERS THE PHONE AND MOUTHS "SAM." 

Shirley: Do we know a "Sam?" 

LAVERNE SHAKES HER HEAD. SHIRLEY CONTINUED THE CONVERSATION. SAM SAID THINGS TO SHIRLEY THAT PUT HER VIRGIN HEARS TO SHOCK. HIS WORDS MADE HER SICK, AND SHE CRINGED TO EVERY LINE. LAVERNE SAW HER DISGUST AND GRABBED THE PHONE FROM SHIRLEY. 

Laverne: Listen, jerk face! Who do you think you are saying disgusting things to my friend like that?! 

Sam: She's not Alice? 

Laverne: Alice, who? 

Sam: Alice Nelson. She's my girl friend. 

Laverne: Is that so?! Then you probably know she's outta town! 

Sam: Oh, that's right. She's at her sisters. (Beat) I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, girls. 

Laverne: Uh, well...I still say your a jerk face! 

SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE. 

Shirley: Laverne, I'll be right back. I'm going to the bathroom. That orange juice went straight through me. 

SHIRLEY GOES UPSTAIRS. LAVERNE GOES OUTSIDE ON THE PATIO AND WATCHED THE KIDS HOP AROUND. BUT BEFORE SHE SAW THE WINNER, SHIRLEY CAME RUNNING TO HER SCREAMING. 

Laverne: What's the matter, Shirl? Did one of the kids put a frog in your pocket like in "The Sound of Music?" 

Shirley: No, Laverne. This house doesn't have a toilet! 

Laverne: Not have a toilet?! You're pulling my leg! 

Shirley: No I'm not, Laverne. That's the only bathroom and it don't have a toilet! 

Laverne: How do they... 

Shirley: I don't know, Laverne! What am I going to do? I have to go really bad! 

Laverne: Go in the sink. 

Shirley: I only did that once, Laverne. Never again! 

Laverne: All right, then hold it. 

SHIRLEY BEGINS TO SQUEAL. 

Laverne: Go outside, Shirl. 

Shirley: (crying) What if someone sees me? 

Laverne: Hid behind a bush! 

Shirley: But... 

Laverne: (angrily) If you don't go outside, I'm gonna rearrange your face! 

Shirley: (Sweet and innocently) Behind a bush? 

LAVERNE ROLLS UP HER SLEEVES. 

Shirley: Good idea, Laverne. 

SHIRLEY EXITS. 

Scene 5 

EXT. BACKYARD - AFTERNOON 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY JOINED IN AND HOPPED AROUND IN POTATO SACKS. THEN THE GIRLS SHOWED THE KIDS HOW TO SCHLIMEIL - SCHLIMAZEL-- 

Jan: That was fun. 

Cindy: Yeah, we almost forgot all about the rowboat and the sewing machine...Oops. 

Marsha: (shaking her head) Cindy. (Beat) I'm thirsty. I'm going inside and getting a glass of milk. 

Jan: Me too. 

Cindy: (to Bobby) Hey, do you want to play checkers? 

Bobby: Nah, that's kids stuff. 

Cindy: You are a kid. 

Bobby: I'm 7 1/2 

Cindy: You want to play on the teeter - totter? 

Bobby: Okay. 

THEY GET ON THE TEETER - TOTTER. 

Bobby: Let's break the world's record. 

Cindy: Okay. 

Peter: Hey, Laverne. Shirley. 

Shirley: (to Laverne) He's so cute. 

Laverne: Yeah? 

Greg: How about a game of basketball? You and Shirley against Peter and me. 

Shirley: Don't you think we should eat lunch first? 

GREG AND PETER LOOK AT EACH OTHER. 

Greg: Okay, we'll eat first. 

THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN. 

Scene 6 

INT. FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY LAY ON THE COUCH MOANING IN PAIN. 

Shirley: (whining) I'm in so much pain. (Beat) Laverne, the next time anyone asks us to play any sport, count me out. 

Laverne: (massaging her feet) It wasn't so bad. We won. 

Shirley: By one point, Laverne. 

Laverne: Let's just lie down and relax. Nothing will disturb us now. 

SUDDENLY PETER RUNS IN ALONG WITH JAN. 

Peter: Help us. 

Laverne: What's the matter? 

Peter: Bobby's over flowed the laundry room with suds! 

Shirley: (looks at Laverne) Laverne? 

Laverne: Shirl? 

Shirley: Laverne? 

Laverne: Shirl? 

Shirley: Laverne, I can't move. 

THE PHONE RINGS. PETER ANSWERS. 

Peter: Hello?...uh huh...okay...bye. 

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE. 

Shirley: Peter, who was that? 

Peter: Some guy. 

Shirley: Well, did he tell you who he was? 

Peter: Carmine. 

SHIRLEY JUMPED UP, STEPPED ON A ROLLER SKATE AND WENT FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM. THEN SHE LANDED ON A BEACH BALL AND FELL OVER TIGER WHO WAS JUST PASSING THROUGH. 

Laverne: Are you okay, Shirl? 

Shirley: Just one humiliation after another. 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY CLEANED UP THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND THE KITCHEN. THEN THE KIDS WERE OFF THE BED. 

THE DOOR BELL RANG. 

SHIRLEY ANSWERS AND IT WAS CARMINE, IN HIS ATLANTA BRAVES JACKET. IN HIS RIGHT HAND, WERE A DOZEN ROSES. 

Shirley: Oh, Carmine. 

SHE KISSED HIM. 

Carmine: (looking around) Are we alone? 

Shirley: Yes. 

Carmine: Do you want to make out? 

Shirley: Carmine. 

Carmine: Maybe not. (Beat) How are you doing here? 

Shirley: (moans) It's horrible. I'm soar. I want to take a long hot bath. 

Carmine: Should I leave? 

Shirley: No. 

SHIRLEY SITS ON THE COUCH AND MOTIONS FOR HIM TO JOIN HER. CARMINE SMILES AND SITS BESIDE HER. 

Shirley: Carmine. (she puts her nose against his) Do you want to have a good time? 

Carmine: Here? Now? 

Shirley: Yes. 

SHE PINS HIM ON THE COUCH, KISSES HIM SOFTLY, GETS UP, AND GOES INTO THE FAMILY ROOM. CARMINE TAKES THE OPPRITUNITY TO UNBUTTON HIS SHIRT SLIGHTLY AND TAKES OFF HIS SHOES. WHEN SHIRLEY RETURNED, SHE CARRIED A MONOPOLY BOX. CARMINE FELT BEWILDERED AND DISSATISFIED. HIS HEART SUNK TO HIS FEET. 

Carmine: (thinking) I can't take another game of Monopoly. She does this to me all the time. One little kiss and I'm buying Boardwalk. 

SHIRLEY SETS THE GAME BOARD ON THE COFFEE TABLE IN THE LIVINGROOM. SHE THEN SITS DOWN AND THEY BEGIN TO PLAY. 

MEANWHILE... 

Scene 7 

INT. THE BRADY GIRL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 

MARSHA, JAN, AND CINDY ARE TALKING ON THEIR BEDS. 

Marsha: Can you believe, Laverne? 

Jan: Yeah, what a dirty trick. 

Cindy: Yeah and milk and pepsi. Blek! 

Jan: Yesterday, Shirley made me taste that "icky" energy drink. 

Cindy: I tried to give it to Tiger, but he ran away. 

Marsha: The boys get the rowboat and... I wish mom and dad were here. 

Jan: Me too. 

Cindy: Me three. 

THEY SAT ON THEIR BEDS AND LOOKED MISERABLE. 

Marsha: Hey! I've got an idea! 

Jan: What? 

Marsha: Let's get even with Laverne and Shirley. 

Jan: Yeah! That will teach them to send us to bed at 7:30pm. (Beat) What's the idea? 

Marsha: Let's, uh,...talk about this tomorrow. 

Jan: But it's only 8:30p. 

Marsha: Okay... 

MARSHA TELLS JAN AND CINDY THE PLAN. 

DOWNSTAIRS... 

Carmine: Your turn. 

Shirley: (thinking) What am I doing? Poor Carmine. He came over and I'm having him play a silly game. If I make-out with him, he'll have to take a cold shower. If I don't, then... he's so cute. (to Carmine) Carmine, sweetheart, would you excuse me for a momment? 

Carmine: Sure. 

SHIRLEY GOT UP AND BUMPED THE TABLE WITH HER LEG CAUSING THE GAME PIECES TO FALL ON THE FLOOR. 

Shirley: Oh, Carmine, I'm so sorry. 

SHIRLEY MOVES BACK AND STEPS ON A HOTEL PIECE WHICH INDUCED HER TO FALL ON CARMINE. THEY DREW CLOSE AND KISSED PASTIONATELY. 

Shirley: (thinking) ::Lily Feeney:: "You must not let men crawl all over you." 

SHIRLEY PULLS AWAY. 

Carmine: What's the matter, Angel Face? 

Shirley: (thinking) ::Laverne:: "You need to learn to loosen up a little bit." 

SHIRLEY ATTACKED CARMINE WITH KISSES. SHE HEARD HER MOTHER'S VOICE AND IGNORED IT. 

Shirley: I love you, Carmine. Go take a cold... 

CARMINE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING, BUT IT NEVER CAME. SHIRLEY UNBUTTONED THE REST OF HIS SHIRT AND NIBBLED ON HIS CHEST. THEN SHE HELPED HIS SHIRT OFF AND PUT BOTH HANDS ON HIS SMOOTH FIRM CHEST. HE UNDRESSED HER WHILE KISSING HER NECK. CARMINE EVENTUALLY FOUND HER ROLL OF GYM SOCKS. THE NIGHT WAS HEATING UP FOR SHIRLEY AND CARMINE. 

Scene 8 INT. KITCHEN - SUNDAY MORNING 

LAVERNE WAS HIDING THE BLINDER BEFORE SHIRLEY WOKE UP. MARSHA WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN WITH HER HAIR PULLED BACK AND HER NOSE IN THE AIR. 

Laverne: Good morning. 

NO ANSWER. SHE SAT DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. THEN PETER CAME IN. 

Peter: Hi, Laverne. What'cha got there? 

Laverne: Cereal and toast. 

Peter: (Humphrey Bogart impression) Cereal and toast? That's swell. (he sits down at the table) Where's Shirley? 

Laverne: Asleep, I guess. 

THE REST OF THE KIDS ALL CAME IN AS A BUNCH, EXCEPT FOR JAN. 

Laverne: Where's Jan? 

Bobby: She's in the bathroom putting lemons on her face. 

Laverne: Lemons? (thinking) Oh, great, another Rhonda. 

SHIRLEY WALKED OUT OF ALICE'S ROOM WITH HER PINK BATHROBE ON. 

Shirley: (yawns) Good morning, Laverne. Kids. 

MARSHA GOT UP, FLIPPED HER PONYTAIL, AND LEFT THE ROOM. 

Shirley: Laverne, have you seen Boo Boo... what happened to the blinder? 

Laverne: It broke? 

Shirley: That's a shame. I was going to... 

CARMINE WALKED OUT OF ALICE'S ROOM IN BOXER SHORTS, SINGING, "MONA LISA." 

Cindy: Who's he? 

Shirley: He's...uh... 

Laverne: The plumber. 

PUZZLED LOOKS FILLED THE KITCHEN AS CARMINE SMILED AND WENT BACK INTO ALICE'S ROOM. 

Scene 8 

INT. FAMILY ROOM - AFTERNOON 

THE KIDS ARE SITTING TOGETHER WHILE GREG AND MARSHA ARE STANDING IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM. 

Greg: Well, I'm sure you all know why we've called this meeting (Beat) Laverne and Shirley. 

Marsha: Yeah, they are being unfair to us. 

Peter: I like them. 

Bobby: Why? They're girls. Blek! 

Jan: We're girls too. 

Bobby: That's different, you're my sister. 

Greg: Quiet now. Marsha and I have come up with a plan... to get even with Laverne and Shirley. 

CUT TO: 

INT. GIRL'S ROOM 

SHIRLEY IS CLEANING OUT THE GIRL'S ROOM. 

Shirley: Someday my prince will come, someday my prince will come, and away to his castle I'll go, we will have Ragoo babies, i know. 

SHIRLEY NOTICES A BOOK LYING ON THE DESK. SHE OPENS IT AND READS. 

Shirley: Desi Arnaz, Jr.? (turns page) Davey Jones? (turns page) Shirley Feeney...Hmmm. 

It reads: 

Dear Diary,   
Laverne and Shirley are ruining my life. I'd like to take one of the wires off my braces and wrap it around their scrawny necks. I want mom and dad to come back home. I can't hang out with my friends anymore. She sends us tp the library to study the dictionary. I hate her the most. Laverne makes us drink milk and pepsi. As if Shirley's energy drink helps. Yuck! They are both equally disgusting. Well, the mean sitters are calling. 

Miserable in California,   
Marsha Brady 

SHIRLEY CLOSES THE DIARY AND LAYS IT BACK DOWN ON THE DESK. SHE LEAVES THE ROOM, [BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY] PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. 

FADES TO: 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE UP IN MIKE AND CAROL'S ROOM GETTING DRESSED UP FOR THEIR DATES. SHIRLEY WITH CARMINE AND LAVERNE'S BLIND DATE. WHEN THEY WERE ALL READY, THEY CAME DOWNSTAIRS. SHIRLEY HAD TOLD LAVERNE WHAT MARSHA HAD WRITTEN IN HER DIARY ABOUT THEM. 

Shirley: I mean, I thought they liked us. 

Laverne: Those little brats! What they need is a good role model. 

SUDDENLY... "Hell-o!" 

Shirley: Laverne, did you hear that? 

Laverne: No. 

THERE WAS A TAPPING NOISE. 

Shirley: What was that? 

Laverne: Go look. 

Shirley: Oh, no, Laverne. You look. 

Laverne: No, y-- I know. We'll look together. 

SHIRLEY NODS. 

THEY BOTH WALKED OVER TO THE SLIDDING DOORS AND OPENED THE CURTAINS. THERE STOOD LENNY AND SQUIGGY WITH TWO BRUNETTE GIRLS. SHIRLEY SCREAMED. 

Laverne: What are you boys doing here? 

LENNY PUTS HIS RIGHT HAND TO HIS EAR MOUTHING, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU." LAVERNE OPENS THE SLIDDING DOOR. LENNY AGAIN MOUTHS, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU." LAVERNE HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH HER PURSE. 

Lenny: Sorry. 

Shirley: What are you boys doing here? 

Squiggy: I want you to meet our dates... Caroline and Emily. 

Laverne: Hi. 

Shirley: Laverne! Go home, boys. 

BUT WILD HORSES COULDN'T KEEP LENNY AND SQUIGGY FROM ENTERING. COULD THEIR DATE GET ANY WORSE? 

Scene 9   
INT. LIVINGROOM 

SHIRLEY AND CARMINE ARE SITTING ON TH COUCH AND CARMINE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER. LENNY IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR THAT IS OPPOSITE THE COUCH WITH CAROLINE ON HIS LAP. SQUIGGY IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR RIGHT NEXT TO LENNY AND HE'S TRYING TO FORCE EMILY TO DRINK BEER. SHE REFUSES AND STOMPS ON HIS TOE. LAVERNE PACES BACK AND FORTH WAITING FOR HER BLIND DATE TO ARRIVE. 

THE DOOR BELL RINGS. 

LAVERNE RUSHES TO THE DOOR, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, AND OPENS IT. 

Laverne: Hi. 

Austin Powers: Hello, baby! Aren't you going to invite me in? 

SHE MOTIONS FOR HIM TO ENTER. 

Austin: [CONT'D] More fab birds! (to Shirley) Hello, baby. (to everyone) I've got an idea! Let's all hop on the good foot and do the bad thing! Ménagé toi, anyone? (silence) Come on! I don't bite... hard. 

Squiggy: Why do you talk that way? 

Austin: Why do you have a pig's tale growing out of your forehead? 

Squiggy: It took lots of training. (Beat) Nevermind me, why do you talk that way? 

Austin: I'm British. 

Squiggy: Where is British located, Len? 

Lenny: I think somewhere in France. 

Squiggy: We should drive there sometime and see the waffle tower. 

Lenny: Don't forget the syrup. 

Squiggy: Of course. 

A LITTLE WHILE LATER... 

Squiggy: Oh, my dear sweet, Emily. If only you'd be a good girl and drink your beer. It will dull the pain. 

EMILY SHAKES HER HEAD. 

Squiggy: [CONT'D]**Don't make me force you, woman!**

Emily: I'm not going to drink any of your stinky beer! 

Laverne: Leave her alone, Squig. 

Austin: How about a game of "Spin the bottle!" Austin Powers style. 

BY THAT TIME, EVERYONE WAS MAKING OUT. SHIRLEY WAS PINNED TO THE COUCH BY CARMINE, CAROLINE WAS ALL OVER LENNY, LAVERNE AND AUSTIN WERE LOUNGED ON THE FLOOR, AND EMILY FORCED HERSELF TO ENJOY IT. BEING IN THE ARMS OF SQUIGGY, HIS LIPS TOUCHING HERS...IF YOU WERE EMILY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? 

Scene 10   
INT. THE BRADY GIRL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 

ALL THE KIDS ARE SITTING THE GIRLS ROOM LISTENING TO GREG AND MARSHA. 

Greg: And that's how we're going to do it, gang. 

Jan: I love the idea. 

Marsha: Yeah, they're going to get a taste of their own medicine. 

Greg: Okay, everyone. Take your places. 

Scene 11   
INT. LIVINGROOM 

LAVERNE, SHIRLEY, CARMINE, AUSTIN, LENNY, AND SQUIGGY ARE PLAYING "TWISTER" IN THE CENTER OF THE LIVINGROOM. EMILY AND CAROLINE SNUCK OUT INTO THE KITCHEN. 

Austin: Right foot, red...(spins) left foot, yellow...(spins) 

INT. KITCHEN 

EMILY AND CAROLINE ARE STANDING AT THE COUNTER TALKING. 

Emily: I can't wait until this night is over. 

Caroline: Oh, I don't know. Lenny's kind of a good kisser. 

Emily: Squiggy gives me chills. 

Caroline: Like goosebumps? 

Emily: No. He keeps putting ice down my back. 

Caroline: You should hear Lenny... 

THERE'S A WEREWOLF HOWL AND CHAINS RATTLE. 

Emily: What was that? 

Caroline: Probably just a dog. 

THE LIGHTS GO OUT. CAROLINE AND EMILY TAKE HOLD OF EACH OTHER. 

Emily: Did a dog do that too? 

Caroline: Maybe. (Beat) Let's find Laverne and Shirley. Uh, where are they? 

Emily: There's only one way to find out. (shouts) Laverne! Shirley! 

Austin: Laverne and Shirley can't come to your rescue right now! They're too busy shagging! (yells) Oh! Yeah, baby! 

AUSTIN BEGINS TO PURR. 

Emily: Why is it that Laverne and Shirley get the cute guys and we get stuck with Lenny and Squiggy? 

Caroline: I don't know. Carmine's cute. 

Emily: Yes, he is. Austin's, uh... Carmine's gorgeous! 

THE LIGHTS CAME ON AND CARMINE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF EMILY'S FACE. 

Carmine: Hi. 

Emily: H-hi. 

EMILY TURNED BEET RED. 

CARMINE WENT TO THE REFRIGERATER. 

Carmine: (singing) "Cherry pink and apple blossom white..." 

HE GRABS A COUPLE OF BEERS THEY HID ONCE THE KIDS WERE ASLEEP. 

Carmine: Hey, are you two coming out here? 

Caroline: Well... 

Emily: Yes! 

CARMINE SMILED AND EMILY SIGHED. 

Emily: I think I'm in love. 

Caroline: With Carmine? 

Emily: Uh huh. 

Caroline: Let's go back into the livingroom, Emily. 

ALL THROUGH THEIR LITTLE GET TOGETHER, THE BRADY KIDS CAUSED MYSTERIOUS HAVOC. THINGS FLOATING AROUND THE ROOM, SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT, AND FOOD DISAPPEARING. THE KIDS FINALLY WENT TO BED AND EVERYONE LEFT LEAVING THE GIRLS TO CLEAN UP. 

Laverne: Thanks, Emily and Caroline for helping us clean up. 

Emily: Yeah, well... we had to do something. Lenny and Squiggy wanted to drive us home. 

Laverne: They're harmless. 

Emily: Hey, one question though. 

Laverne: What's that? 

Emily: Why do you have an "L" on your shirt? 

Laverne: So I won't lose my clothes. 

EMILY AND CAROLINE LAUGH. 

ONCE EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE WAS CLEANED, EMILY AND CAROLINE WENT HOME. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY WENT TO BED. Scene 12 

INT. KITCHEN 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE IN THE KITCHEN DRINKING COFFEE. 

Shirley: We're forced to drink coffee. 

Laverne: It was a fun party. 

Shirley: Yeah, wasn't Caroline and Emily nice? 

Laverne: They sure were. (Beat) We should invite them to our apartment sometime. 

Shirley: I'll make them my famous soar craut sandwiches. 

Laverne: We want them to come back, Shirl. (Beat) You know, it's funny. 

Shirley: What? 

Laverne: How much Caroline reminds he of myself. 

Shirley: You know, Laverne, I got that same feeling too. 

THE BOTH SMILED. 

THERE WAS A RUSTLE AT THE DOOR. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY SPRUNG UP FROM THEIR CHAIRS. AT THE DOOR, WITH LUGGAGE IN HAND, WERE MIKE AND CAROL BRADY. 

Carol: Hi girls, how'd it go? 

Laverne/Shirley: Great. 

Shirley: They were angels. 

Carol: No, you are angels…angels from Milwaukee. 

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY SMILED. 

THE GIRLS GRABBED THEIR THINGS AND WENT BACK HOME. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY VOWED NEVER TO BABYSIT THOSE CHILDREN AGAIN. 

THE END

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